Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Here's What Divorced Women Want From Dating

Ever meet a guy or girl you fell really hard for who didn't turn out to be the Prince or Princess Charming you imagined? No need for eye rolling. It's happened to all of us!

Someone once told me that if I didn't want to be disappointed in a man, I should lower my expectations. What?! No way! I hate that suggestion!

Here's my advice. If you don't want to be disappointed, TALK to your guy (or girl.) Telling someone what you want and need instead of saying nothing and feeling disappointed -- or perhaps sad, angry, bitter or resentful -- is really smart and honest, and lots of times you end up being shocked that the person really had no clue.

So, I know it's a bit unfair, but since I'm a woman, I came up with some things that I think women want when it comes to dating after divorce.

1.            No matter how long we've been in the relationship, we want to be asked out on dates. Everything from a romantic dinner to a casual stay at home movie night! Ask us ahead of time and be specific!

2.            Foreplay. We want to be romanced and kissed and we want to know you love us before we sleep with you. Make us feel beautiful and adored. Turn on the charm!

3.            We want you to hold our hand in public. Not all the time, just sometimes. In other words, we want to be touched (not just in bed.) Scratch our back, put your arm around us. Show affection from time to time.

4.            We want you to notice our new sandals or handbag, or our haircut or pedicure, or our smile. We want you to tell us we look nice when we make the effort.

5.            We want you to be interested in our careers. Ask about our job. Tell us you are proud when we get recognition or do something commendable.

6.            Cry in front of us if you need to. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable in our arms. We want to be there for you during the times you really, really, really need us. We know it's hard for you, but we want you to trust us. A good person doesn't run from a man who cries, she wipes his tears and listens.

7.            We love when you cook us dinner. I don't care if it's spaghetti and jar sauce. The thought counts.

8.            Listen to us. Listen to our stupid stories and topics that you don't particularly care that much about. Listen to things that are important to us and remember things.

9.            Be honest with us. If you want a night out with your friends, just say it. If something is bothering you about us, just say it. Don't hold it in and then harbor resentment; just tell us so we can say sorry if we owe you an apology and so we won't do it again if it was hurtful.

10.          Laugh. Be funny. Be silly. Lighten the mood when things get entirely too serious. Girls love funny guys!

11.          Love us. Just love us. We are divorced women who are fragile. We have baggage. We are vulnerable and we are insecure sometimes. Make us feel loved. Reassure us that you care for us and that you are committed. Love us physically and emotionally.

Girls, I'm not saying that if you ask for these things your guy will do them and that you will live happily ever after, but you have less of a chance of being disappointed because you've communicated what you want. 
Now you know the guy is aware of it. What he decides to do is then up to him. That is something you don't have control over.

Original Post:

Terrible bias that men suffer in divorces badly needs rectifying

Ireland voted for divorce by the tiniest of margins back in 1995, 0.7 percent to be precise. I wonder how differently that vote might have turned out if men had been able to look into a crystal ball and discover that in divorce cases involving children they would almost invariably end up as the losers?

New research based on over 1,000 judicial separation and divorce cases that appeared before the Circuit Courts over the last four years has confirmed that women almost always get custody of the children, they get to live in the family home, and the father has to pay maintenance which can sometimes push him below the poverty line.

The decision to give the mother the family home and to make the father pay maintenance rests on the first decision which grants her effective custody of the children. If she didn't get the children, and the father did, he'd probably get to live in the family home and she might have to pay maintenance.

But in 95% of cases the children get to live with her and this is why fathers lose out in the courts again and again. Columnist John Waters has been drawing attention to this manifest injustice for years.

That figure of 95% makes one very big assumption, namely that in 95% of cases the mother will be a better parent than the father. Is that really plausible?

Based on how heavily the dice is loaded in favour of women it is no wonder they are the ones who apply fordivorce in more than 70% of cases. If a woman is unhappy in her marriage and knows she will get the children and the house and maintenance, then divorce is a much less risky proposition for her than for the husband.

In the United States and the United Kingdom it is also the case that women initiate the big majority of divorces. If she hasn't already done so, the author of this new research, Roisin O'Shea, might look at jurisdictions where the dice is not so heavily loaded in favour of women and see how often they file for divorce in those countries compared with men.

Writing in this paper on Tuesday, Dearbhail McDonald said the research "shows we are still wedded to a very traditional definition of the family and how to deal with family issues when marriages break down".

I suspect, however, that this is only part of the story. It is probably true to say that judges overwhelmingly believe the mother will make a better parent than the father because they are "wedded to a very traditional definition of the family".

Original Post:

Monday, March 17, 2014

Overcoming The Demise Of Your Marriage

It is funny that many people believe men make out better when going through a divorce.  We often hear something about men being stronger able to move on faster than their sensitive counterpart.  This of course is untrue.  Many men have a more difficult time when going through a divorce as they feel that as the provider and the man of the family they should have been able to fix the problems. Often time’s men give in when it comes to going through a divorce and many end up starting from square one when it is all over. What men in divorce need to realize is that it is too late to fix what was broken and now they really need to focus on not getting taken advantage of when struggling through the process of divorce. Below are some tips to help any man having a hard time processing the “right” things to do when getting a divorce.
It is common that men will get caught in a woe is me trap especially when their wife is the one who initiated the demise of their marriage.  This is one of the most important things to overcome and the sooner the better.  Yes, you need time to grieve that the happiness that you once felt is gone but you also need to realize that you will feel it again sometime soon.  Meet with a professional to talk your feelings through.  The tips that they can provide you with will help you cope and allow you the peace of mind you will need throughout the process.
It is also important that you immediately find legal representation of your own when a divorce is initiated. Men often feel a misguided sense of loyalty, especially financially.  A lot of men end up in financial ruin because of this.  When you retain a divorce attorney they will be able to help you with what is appropriate and what is too much when it comes to financial negations and obligations.  This will help to ensure that you as well end up with resources at the end of the divorce and can provide for your own needs in the same manner you are accustomed to as well.
It is important that when you meet with the attorney that you are completely honest about all the assets and liabilities that your family has.  Never try to hide assets thinking they won’t be uncovered.  This will make you look bad and it will be more difficult for the judge to look at you in an impartially manner after that.
It is also difficult for some men to be alone leading them to jump into a relationship before the divorce is even finalized.  This is something that is not recommended as well.  Don’t panic, you won’t be alone forever.  Give yourself time however to deal with the end of one relationship before adding the stress of another to your plate.  Being on your own and thinking for your self will not result in the world ending.  It may also give you a new perspective on who you are verses who you became to try to make your marriage work.
It is never easy to go through a divorce no matter if you are a man or a women.  It is difficult to realize that you’re happily ever after is over but the sooner you get on board with the tips above the better off you will be when you have discovered happiness once again.

Create Success For Yourself Throughout The Process of Divorce

In this day and age it is hard to believe that there is still a prejudice when it comes to men going through a divorce.  Men are at a clear disadvantage in the eyes of the courts, media and laws.  The fact is that women and their divorce attorney’s know this and will work every angle to ensure she is more than cared for.  It is important that as a man in divorce you find legal representation that specializes in men going through a divorce as they have experience in fighting this injustice.
Men need to create their own support system.  Women have support from every different direction and play the victim rather well throughout a divorce.  Men however are told to be strong, suck it up and move on while continuing to help and support their ex’s if needed.  If you want to be bled dry by the end of your divorce this is exactly how you will handle your situation.  Instead you really need to dive into looking after yourself and finding an attorney that is in it to win it for you.  You need to fight to keep your own head above water.  Don’t struggle to live comfortably while your ex vacations on your dime fight for yourself. 
Get involved with every step in your divorce.  Along with your divorce attorney devise a plan that takes you through each phase of the divorce and create a vision that shows you prevailing.  In divorce there is no clear victim, there is no need to play that role or have it played against you.  Creating a clear plan and envisioning yourself coming out on top is one solid way to help. Have a successful strategy that you have developed with your attorney is the best approach to achieving your own happiness when the divorce is finally over.
Men often feel a mix of emotions during this period of time.  Allowing feelings of guilt, doubt and frustration to take over will make you vulnerable and weak.  If your ex-wife’s divorce attorney sees this and you aren’t armed with support and a legal team that if aimed in the direction of your best interests you could find yourself giving in to demands your ex is making that are completely unreasonable.  Having an attorney that specifically fights for men’s rights is important.  They will provide you with support throughout the entire process legally and emotionally.  Your attorney will be the one that saves you when your emotions start to take over and guilt settles in. 
There is no reason at all to feel guilt or to do anything other than look out for yourself during this time.  The reasons your marriage failed are neither here nor there at this point.  What is clear is that at the end of the day you still need to be able to financially care for yourself.  You have but financial assets into your home and marriage and you deserve to share equally in the equity.  You deserve to be able to support yourself without living below the means you are accustomed to.  No matter the reason for the divorce you cannot allow yourself to be taken advantage of.  You have a responsibility to your own life at what it will be after your divorce.
Finding an attorney that is in it to represent you and your best interests will help you during the times when you feel weak.  They will be strong for you and will not allow you to mediate yourself into providing for everyone else but yourself.  It will happen, guilt will take over, for a spilt second you will give in to unreasonable demands if only so the nightmare can end and you will be thankful that you have a divorce attorney looking out for you.

Feeling Your Way Through The Process Of Divorce

For women going through the divorce process regular everyday life can become hard to figure out.  Most women get married early in life before they have had time to truly find their own identity.  This makes it extremely hard when the only thing that has identified you for years, your husband and children are suddenly not the same.  When you have given up everything and are left without anything a mix of emotions can run through you: anger, fear, betrayal, sadness and depression.
Going from living with your family and having other people in on every decision that is made to being the sole decision maker is frightening.  At first it will be difficult to adjust to deciding things on your own for you and for your children but with time and a few tweaks and adjustments in your thought process you will come out just fine in time.
Divorce does give you a sense of freedom you may not have ever had before.  This is especially true in cases that joint custody has been arranged.  Every other week you are on your own.  Breathe!  At first this is a very scary and unique feeling.  It is one that has never been experienced prior to the divorce. Coming home to a house without anyone else in it can soon become liberating.  You don’t have to rush home from work as no one is waiting upon you for dinner.  You can stop at the book store, get take out and sit in a long hot bath for the entire night.  No one but you is responsible for your decisions any longer.
Yes, women will feel sadness, disappointment and hurt when going through a divorce.  This is a very natural feeling and in time will lessen.  Whether you wanted a divorce or not will not matter.  You will feel let down, either by the way he treated you throughout the marriage or because you could fix it and make the dream a reality.  It will hit you like a brick.  Some days you will think you are perfectly fine and then wham; it will hit you that you are no longer married.
At times you will feel incredibly angry.  You are now on your own financially on your own and are left with the majority of responsibility when it comes to your children.  Anger is a real fierce emotion and you will experience it for a while.  Take time to be angry just make sure that you do this on your own time and not when your children are around.
Yes, it is easy to be angry when you are paying bills, doing dishes, folding laundry and carpooling all alone but this is never a child’s fault.  Anger should be placed in the right direction.  Perhaps now is the time to find a support system to release some of these built up emotions?
The hard part when it comes to divorce is your experience will be completely unique to you.  No one will be able to predict the emotions you will go through during the course of your divorce and for a period of time after.  Let these feeling come and go as they will.  As time goes on you will begin to heal and will find that the emotions have run their course.  You will feel normal once again. It is only a matter of time.  There is no right way or wrong way to process your emotions.
Just be sure to keep yourself happy and healthy for your children and for yourself.  The sooner these emotions take over your life the sooner you will be back on track to living free from the chaos of your divorce.

Regaining Your Life After Divorce

Getting over a divorce is a long road for both men and women.  When it comes to women going through a divorce they are more apt, no matter how horrible the marriage was, to try to put life back together the way it was.  Women tend to fear change, the unknown and being alone.  If you are a women resisting the truth of your divorce read on as the information contained in this article will help you come to a place of peace with what is happening and allow you to begin again. 
It is easy to over think a lot of things as women.  It is also easy to want to fix anything and everything within reach.  In your mind a divorce is fixable and this is where you are incorrect.  Once a divorce has been decided upon it is over.  Don’t blame yourself and don’t put the entire fault on yourself.  There is nothing wrong with you and your divorce is not your fault.  No one is the perfect wife or mother and even if you were there is nothing that guarantees the end result would not be the same as where you are now.  All of these thoughts are in your head.  You think having these thoughts will help you cope however this is not the case. 
What needs to happen to move you past this point is to accept that it is not feasible for you to control every event that occurs within your life?  Once this happens, once you realize that you cannot accept the blame for the demise of your marriage you will realize too that it is not up to you or even possible for you to repair what is broken.  The factors of your martial break up are out of your control.  You cannot control how your ex-husband thinks and feels you cannot repair him.  It is significant that you come to realize this sooner than later so that you are able to move on and stop trying to fix something that is impossible to repair. 
Once you get here the next step is learning who you are, finding your own way and teaching yourself how to make decisions on your own once again.  For years you have been compromising and taking into consideration someone else’s needs and desires.  This will no longer be the case.  You will need to learn how to think for yourself and only your interests.  As exciting as this sounds and no matter how ready you are to embrace this it is a whole lot tougher than one would think. 
Regaining an opinion is something that you will want to take time to learn how to do again.  The best way to establish some boundaries to begin to think again for yourself is to start simple.  Purchase a journal and take time to explore the things in your life that you clearly don’t want.  Sometimes it is simpler to start with the things we are sure don’t represent the life we are interested in leading.  Once you have a substantial list of the things you don’t want in your knew life comes the hard part.  For everything you don’t want make a specific page for the exact opposite of that; this will represent all the things in life you do want.  Now you can continue to fill each page with things that fall under what makes you happy and what you want. 
The last thing is to throw away the image you have of yourself as someone’s wife.  Create a new image of who you are.  Look in the mirror, throw some rocks in the water, and discover exactly who you are all over again.  Many women marry young and lose their identity along the way.  
The “I” becomes “we” and “you” become “us”.  Once you see yourself as a unique individual once again you will be shocked at all the things you had compromised along the way.  Maybe you took of fishing to spend time with your mate but in reality that is the last thing in the entire world you would ever do on your own.  Gather a new foundation based solely on your wants, needs and desires for your future.   In the end you can truly end up a better person than you ever were before when your needs are finally being met especially when you are the one allowing that to happen.