Thursday, December 12, 2013

Handling the Emotions of Divorce

The word divorce brings so many different emotions with it.  For some people the emotions that are brought on with divorce create stress that is so deep it interferes with everything else in their lives.  Functioning from day to day when the stress of an impending divorce looms over is a lot for most people to handle.  One of the best things that you can do for yourself is to learn to cope and move on from the stress, learn to relax and move forward and let the cards play out as they will.  The extra worry that you carry with you will not make the tide turn any more in your favor than it will have without it.  What will help you is to take care of yourself. Put yourself out there, begin to exercise, eat healthy and work to begin producing positive energy and thoughts.  

If you recognize that you are not handling the stress brought on by your divorce there are many things that you can do to turn that cycle into something better focused.  Less stress leaves you healthier and better equipped for life when the divorce dust settles.  This is also true for kids going through divorce and especially difficult child custody arrangements, stress can turn them into people we no longer recognize. 

Tips on Relieving the Burden of Stress a Divorce Causes

The first tip is to get help for all of the emotional needs that are being felt.  Talking with a trained professional is in everyone’s best interest during this most difficult time.  The difference between talking with friends and an impartial third party is the advice that is given on getting you back.  Friends easily sway back into the dwellings of the past where as a professional therapist is moving you out of the past and into the future that awaits you.

Make sure you are moving your body. Stress is not able to physically grab hold of bodies who are focused and moving forward.  Keep your children involved in extra-curricular sports and find a walking club to join or a gym to go to.  It is amazing what your body is capable of while releasing all of the negative.

Make time to do stuff for your needs.  Sit in the tub, read a book, go on a vacation or turn your phone off and have a staycation.  These are times you need to have for yourself and for your family.  Your kids will appreciate the person you are when you are refreshed and rejuvenated.  

This tip is huge for both you and for the kids.  Allow yourself to feel every emotion that is flooding into you.  Emotions will range from grieving to elation and everything in between and out of there.  You will feel it, they will feel it and all of that is healthy.  Feeling it and dwelling on it are two different things.  Don’t dwell on it as that won’t get you anywhere near where you need to be.

Lastly change your outlook.  Change what you expect out of yourself and others.  It is okay to be in control but it is also okay to let other help you. There is a difference between being controlled and allowing someone to help you.  It is okay to realize that and allow yourself to change your expectations towards yourself and your relationships with others.

Divorce is difficult but is even harder when you allow yourself to be buried with stress and burden.

Advice For Men Going Through A Divorce

Divorce is something that can be either a devastating blow or intense freedom.  Either a shattering end or a blissful beginning.  The experience is different and unique for every individual, couple and child that is living it.  Often times men end up taking divorce harder than women.  Men and women end up worrying about a lot of different things when a divorce is filed.  Women worry about the finances, the place to live, keeping a routine while men struggle with the mental aspect including how they could have let their marriage fail.  Men simply have an incredibly hard time dealing with and moving past the idea of failing.  Although divorce is not a failure this is how most men that are not interested in a divorce from their partner see it.

When it comes to statistics men are more likely to go on a path of self-destruction after a divorce. While they aren’t worried about making ends meet, as they usually end up more financially stable than a women does they do end up with the emotional burden.  Men are also less likely to seek help for this which leads them into self-healing through alcohol, food and drugs.

The truth is divorce is over simplified in the world we live in.  When going through a divorce the world has become desensitized because it is so common place.  For this reason men are left to believe that the feelings of regret, sadness and grief are ones that are not common and that should not be felt.  This is anything but the truth.   Our society may make divorce seem common place but this is in fact not the truth and neither party in a divorce should feel like the emotions and phases they are going through in handling the demise of the marriage are wrong or inappropriate.  

Some advice for men experiencing this in their own divorce currently; seek out support.  Don’t allow yourself to become enslaved to harmful habits that will only forgo moving into a healthy life and future.  Experiences in life will hurt, they will bruise your ego but in the end they will make you stronger.  Divorce is a time of change but also a time to connect to the world in a whole different light.  

Learn to be the father you want to be.  The demands of being a partner are no longer on you so take all of that extra energy and turn it into something wonderful for yourself and for your children.  The time you have with them be less than you are used to.  Even the best child custody relationships leave us with our children less than we are used to when what we are used to is full time.  Take the time they are with you and be with them fully both physically and emotionally.  The time when you are apart take time for yourself.  Get to know who you are on your own without the influence of a partner’s opinion and without your kids.  

Become the man you want to be after your divorce not the one that your emotions lead you to be.